Hello, friends! Can you believe that 2018 has come and gone by so quickly? 2019 is here! I hope y’all had blessed Christmases and New Years with family, friends, and pets.
I have the privilege of knowing Kylie Jo through a mutual friend. Kylie Jo is driven, contemplative, and bubbly! She’s also (basically) fluent in sign language. We had such a fun time exploring Kansas City together! Her testimony follows:
I grew up in the Kansas area mostly, but also a little in Branson, Missouri. I grew up always being the “goody two shoes” child; loud and outgoing, but at the same time caring and kind…. I was also a picky eater. My mother told me how I would wake up some mornings and randomly say that I didn’t like chocolate or cheese, etc. I believe this pickiness carried over into my adult age with my fixation on what I can and can’t eat, almost programming my mind to think a certain way about a certain food or food group…. Feeding myself with made up lies or over analyzed facts just to restrict my “diet”.
Growing up, my dad’s side always went to church and my mom’s side didn’t. So I had heard about church and God and Jesus, but they weren’t big parts of life when I was young. Then in high school I was introduced to Antioch church and really loved the worship….I really loved the feeling you got while worshiping and enjoyed the love and care of everyone there. The presence of the church at the time was a new, caring, loving presence. I went off and on to church until junior year and I hit a rough patch. I felt immediately like I couldn’t tell anyone at church because they were too perfect and never seemed to have anything wrong going on in their life. I ended up overdosing on multiple pain medicines trying to numb the pain I was feeling from the lack of love from my father and my ex-best friends and the drama, drama, drama. Even though no one ever guessed it, I was hurting, which had me falling into the hospital. Sick and hurt and broken. After a few weeks of being out of the hospital, I went to a life group service for the youth at Antioch and talked to my life group’s leader. She showed me so much love and understanding. I was blown away because, for me, it was scary to open up to her, being afraid of judgement or condemnation. However, my mentor’s unconditional love that she showed me actually helped me better understand what Christianity is all about. I started going to church more frequently when I was able to. Then college hit and I started talking to a guy who seemed sweet. I was still relatively new to genuine Christianity and this guy was saying all the right things and wanted to “change” for me. He was atheist (I didn’t know what this was till I met him, I was kind of sheltered 😉 ), but he seemed sweet so what’s the problem? Then we went on our first date and he sexually and physically assaulted me. This gave me many emotional, physical, mental difficulties when it came to trusting and relationships. This is also when and why I fell into an eating disorder (ED) called Bulimia and Anorexia.
Until recently, I personally always felt the need to be in a relationship. I always saw my mom being in one or wanting to be in one, so I thought that was normal. You need to have a man in your life that will fill the hole that you have inside, right? WRONG! This didn’t help me at all, it was just temporary happiness when I needed ultimate joy. Something I thought an earthly man other than my Heavenly father could provide me with. Unfortunately, that hole only grew deeper and wider with time and relationships. Feeling the need to have kind words spoken to me and reminders of my worth to feel beautiful and loved. When I didn’t receive this it was hard, difficult, and I didn’t feel like the relationship was right because he wasn’t doing what he should be doing for me. My mentality was like it’s his duty…. Because this first college boyfriend made me feel so significantly broken and used, I felt out control of my life, so the only thing I could control was my food. So I would binge eat and throw it up, or only eat a wee bit of food. This I felt comfortable with and happy. Although the bulimia aspect didn’t last long (I researched the side effects it can have on your teeth and body, as well as the help of a different boyfriend), my controlling of food still continued. This went on and off for months at a time. When I wasn’t anorexic, I was orthorexic and vise versa. Then I thought it was over and started going back to church about three times a week. Volunteering, being a leader for students, and joining the worship team. All seemed great and grand.
About a year later, I got into a different relationship. This was my first actual genuine Christian relationship, so I thought this is “the one”. We were great friends before we dated and all seemed well. But this man became controlling and emotionally abusive and pressured me to have sex with him. I was so confused I started to think maybe that’s just how it is, this is my life and this must be how relationships are supposed to be. I was manipulated and used for my body and I felt horrible. It came to a point where me saying no or stop seemed pointless because it was like he didn’t hear me. I felt so dirty and not like a human person, almost treated like an animal. In my mind, this was “my guy” or at least he was supposed to be, and he’s so well known in the church and so good in church and around others this must be okay. I kept making excuses for him and it came to a point where my responses towards anything were his words. I was out of control. I was broken. I didn’t understand why or how something so good could turn so dark. I felt bound to his every will. I was literally lost. Eventually one day at a Sunday service, I had the courage to talk to a pastor. I then had the courage to break up with my boyfriend too. That’s when I found out emotional abuse was a thing and my pastor said the things my boyfriend was doing was not ok. After we broke up, I felt so free and chains were gone, no longer upon me. But something was wrong. I didn’t know who I was without him. He told me how to live, how to be, how to dress, everything. After some time, my ex seemed to have changed and bettered himself with a pastor’s help and mentoring. Long story short, we got back together, but it wasn’t long before he started to get back into his old ways again. This time I realized that I wasn’t fully healed, but healed just enough to feel the difference. I wasn’t having it anymore. So after almost six months,I finally was able to break up with him for good.
After both of these situations I felt broken, used, abandoned, hurt, and voiceless like my body wasn’t my own, Who was I? I never felt in control, but how I could feel in control was by controlling my source of life. My food. I become anorexic and orthorexic again. My ex from the church knew this and he tried to help while just making it worse. Always backhanded comments, making me feel worse about myself, and constantly feeling like I had to weigh myself. I then started to control every little thing I ate. Always feeling undeserving of food and how much my body actually wanted to partake in it. It started to become an addiction with food, however I wasn’t binge eating, but restricting. It came to a point that I felt bad after I ate, and if I felt hungry I was doing something right. I was annoyed when my body would make noises but eventually with so much restricting it stopped and that made me feel even more empowered to restrict and happy I did so.
This was a time that the lies of the devil really grew deep within, sometimes not being able to see the glory of God because I was so filled with negativity. My mind was captive to the control. I saw no way out and continued to veer the wrong way. Ultimately this was a breaking point for me. I had to find myself again, find happiness, and a good relationship with food as well….It was really hard for me to give up control entirely and live for Jesus again after all my hurt and abuse and distrust.
It wasn’t until the moment in my life, when I was in a relationship with another man, that everything changed. This guy was so sweet, goofy, and different than any other man. Due to a work trip, we went to Florida and Tennessee together. While in Florida, he happened to take a picture of me at the beach. I didn’t think much about it, just thought it was cute. When I saw the photo a few days later I started to cry. I texted my boyfriend, amazed at how I looked healthy and comfortable in my own skin! I didn’t see my hip bones or ribs in this photo just a healthy, beautiful lady. On the vacation I ate whatever I wanted and however much I wanted. I was finally in a relationship that I genuinely felt love from him and gave love in return. It was a time where I realized I don’t need to restrict my eating and be anorexic or be overly obsessed with being very healthy with my eating and be orthorexic. I can just be me: happy, healthy, and whole. Later on, we broke up. It wasn’t a bad relationship. I wasn’t abused or manipulated. I was treated with respect and genuine care, but I wasn’t whole person yet. I needed to heal completely before I could be in a healthy relationship. What opened my eyes to so much more healing was drawing closer to God through the Bible, reading Scriptures to help me grow and heal and better myself for His beautiful army. I felt this weight being lifted off of my shoulders, freeing me from the weight of my ED and trying to fix it all myself. Genuine friendships also opened up, enabling deeper healing…..
Present day and I am free. All anxiousness has been released and my heart has softened. I finally found what would make my soul whole again. I have a relationship with my heavenly, almighty, gracious, loving Father! To have the beautiful reminder that I’ll never be alone and He’s always there and I’ll always need him, now that’s a beautiful thing. He has always been my constant. Even if I get lost within my daily routine or try to stray away to be of the world, He’s always there waiting, yearning for me and caring for me. Isn’t He so amazing? Even in our darkest hour, even when we cannot see a way out and want to end it all, even when we obsess over food and the smallest of things. He’s always there, never leaving our side, cheering us on, loving us, trying to remind us and being our biggest fan. Aren’t we silly to stray away from so much grace and love and forgiveness? Although we live in a lost world, we have a heavenly Father giving us the opportunity to no longer be lost, but to be found! How beautiful is that!? God has been so gracious and sweet to me. I have never been worthless, because my value and worth is found in Christ and He has fearfully and wonderfully made me. I AM HIS! “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new (2 Corinthians 5:17)”
I have a second chance at life and love! Living life to the fullest full of love and light, no more chains holding me back or darkness trying to hide me. Today, I am in a new stage in my life that’s nothing like anything I’ve experienced before. The holes are filled with endless love and joy and grace. I’m able to be a body-positivity activist for lovely ladies and whomever may need me. Helping others that were in the same boat I was in. To help lead them to a brighter tomorrow, encourage in any way I can, and tell my story to help.
I hope that through reading my journey of life you might be encouraged and no longer feel alone. That whatever struggles you may be facing personally don’t define who you are as a person. Don’t lose hope, cling onto the one who died for your sins. You are healed, He has forgiven you, and it’s no more. Cling onto His promises and His Word.
Kylie Jo’s one and only tattoo is on her forearm. This tattoo acts as a constant reminder of her recovery from her ED and God’s grace. The symbol is the word BEAUTIFUL, written in her handwriting.
