Hey, everyone! Apologies on not posting in a while. I have been cooking up a little project for y’all. In short, this little project, which will last for at least a few weeks, will be a presentation of stories. These stories will be the grace-woven testimonies of women. These women are ordinary, except for the grace that infuses their stories, and ladies whom I know in my day-to-day world. They have agreed to get in front of my camera and share their hearts in order to bless other women.
The first beautiful soul who has agreed to be my “guinea pig” for this project is Sadie. Sadie has a caring servants’ heart. She also has a pet bunny named Nugget (who is adorable when eating chard). Her favorite pancake toppings are raspberries and/or strawberries. She finds the defining characteristics of a woman as, “strength and patience. I see both these qualities so beautifully displayed by my mother, who I strive to be more like every day.”
She says, “I grew up in a Christian home, in Eudora Kansas with two brothers and two sisters. We were a homeschooled, happy, awkward bunch. Out of my siblings I was definitely the “wild child” only in the most homeschooled sense of I wore a distasteful amount of eyeliner as a teenager and liked to scribble all over my text books rather than take real notes during school. I always believed in God, though as I grew older, I fell in love and got married at the young age of 22. It wasn’t until my marriage that I truly felt both the presence and the lack of presence of the Lord. At that point, my focus had unknowingly shifted to being a good wife over being a good Christian. I expected my husband to be the answer to the hole I felt in my soul. I thought having a husband and aspiring towards kids, and a big house with with this man would give me the happiness my soul craved. Unfortunately, that hole only grew deeper time went on and our relationship grew weaker and weaker as lies and repeated unfaithfulness on his end were revealed.
I felt marked, tainted, worthless, useless, broken….my heart has wallowed in the dark corners of my flesh. Lies from the devil grew prominent in my mind. Ultimately, this was result of the biggest idol of my heart bring ripped from my white-knuckled grip and suddenly I was broken. Everything I had placed my hope for happiness crumbled between my fingers when my husband walked away from our short, and unstable marriage, without desire to fix any of the mess we had created together.
It wasn’t until that moment in my life, watching my husband walk away for someone else, that it finally clicked. As tears fell from my eyes and I felt my heart fully sever, I felt a veil lift from my eyes. Colors were suddenly brighter, physical and emotional pain less terrifying….I felt a burden lift and the clouds of my mind roll away. Over the following months I clung to my bible, I spent hours in prayer every day, thanking the Lord for protecting me from all the “what if’s” that could have come from that season of my life. As much as my heart was broken, I finally found what made my soul whole. I TRULY connected to the Father, I finally took him for my own, apart from my family. I was saved.
From June of 2017 to today I have encountered several more disappointing life scenarios plague my inner circle: death, illness, betrayal, and more. I believe that this theme of discomfort in my life has been purposeful. God has let me sit in the festering wound of relying on my own strengths, thoughts, and expectations to show me that I will never not need Him. He has so kindly been the consistent stream of cool, refreshing water, when I still want to wander and reach out to the desert that is this world’s illusion of “happiness.” (Aren’t we dumb?? Why do we keep going back for more??)
Praise the Lord that He doesn’t let pain go to waste. God has been so sweet to me. Despite feeling lonely during this journey, I have never been alone. Despite being hurt, I have never felt more loved. Despite moments of hopelessness I have a renewed sense of hope in God’s plan for me. Despite feeling worthless, I have worth because I AM HIS! I feel that I must have been quite blind before if it took such a shock to wake me up from the dull and purposeless life I was leading before now. God has shown me why He is called Father through this continued journey, tenderizing my heart and opening my ears to hear His word. Holding me, comforting me, and letting me feel His presence.
While I still struggle with the mental battle of lies trying to speak louder than the truth of scripture, I feel closer to God than I have ever been before, and I am so thankful that he saved me from myself. I have a second chance at life and love….Today, I choose to the church as my husband, asking how I can serve and support. I pray that one day I will have the opportunity to share my life with a traditional “white picket fence” family who lives for the glory of the Lord, though He could have much different plans for me… I plan to wait, listen, and in His perfect timing, when He says, “trust me” I will dive into the next season of life, head first, looking forward to what opportunities He will give me to be a vessel for His kingdom along the way.
I hope that through reading my story you might be encouraged, that whatever struggles you are personally facing, do not lose hope…cling to the word and do not forget the incredible gift of prayer. God is refining us every day. Don’t waste a single moment of His teaching through your circumstances.
Psalm 13:5-6 says “But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord because he has dealt bountifully with me.”
